Now, some of you might be too caught up in politics to have heard, but cryptocurrency is dead. Again. That’s right, forget about the immigration crisis, SCOTUS, mass shootings and widespread government corruption for a moment. I think we all need a breather, and I want you to celebrate with me, for there is, in fact, cause for celebration. The cost it takes to mine one bitcoin (BTC) currently exceeds the price that it sells for on the market. This will likely lead to further collapse of a sector where some folks are already down -90% of their portfolio value. Crypto miners have now gone from running virtual money making machines, to shoving hard earned dollars down a wood chipper that blasts out pennies for each.
“What is wrong with you? Why should we celebrate this?” Non-sadists might innocently ask.
Times may indeed be dark for crypto traders on both sides of the political aisle. As this nation’s divisions grow wider and wider, our holdings grow smaller and smaller. But at least John David McAfee is going to eat his own dick. I think that is something that everybody can get behind, especially after he swore up and down on Twitter that he would. The man is crazy. If anybody will make good on that promise, it’s him.
After shilling and crashing countless cryptocurrencies as the “Scourge of Binance,” this meth-addled madman will finally get what is coming to him. Bitcoin has dropped from an all time high of $20,000, to below $6,000 at the time of this article. The total coin market cap has dropped from over $700,000,000,000 to $235,064,655,763. That is a lot of money gone, and it is a far cry from his projected $500,000 per Bitcoin in 2020. In short, McAfee needs a mere +8,233% growth in the remaining two and a half years to save his cock from his yellow teeth.
Frankly, I don’t think he’s got a chance. And so, I have composed this poorly written ballad in his memory. Remember that time he possibly killed a man? I give you:
The Ballad of John McAfee
To the town of Hodleria rode a stranger one fine day
Always shilled to folks around him, always had a lot to say
But no one dared to ask his business, no one dared to make a quip
For they all knew that the stranger had just sworn to eat his dick,
(Chorus): Sworn to eat his dick~
It was early in the morning when he rode into the town
He came ridin’ from the south side, slowly lookin’ all around
“He’s a madman loose and runnin’,” came a whisper from each lip
“And he’s here to do some business with some scissors and his dick,”
(Chorus): Scissors and his dick~
In this town there lived trader by the name of Crypto Ted
Many men had tried to shill him and that many men were dead
He was a vicious daytrader, though a youth of twenty four
And the notches on his ledger numbered one and nineteen more,
(Chorus): One and nineteen more~
Now the stranger started talkin’ made it plain to folks around
Was a meth head and a scoundrel, but wouldn’t be too long in town
He was here to shill the trader, alive or maybe dead
And he said it didn’t matter that he was after Crypto Ted,
(Chorus): After Crypto Ted~
Wasn’t long before this story was relayed to Crypto Ted
But the trader didn’t worry, men who tried before were dead
Twenty men had tried to shill him, twenty men had made a slip
Twenty one would be this stranger who had sworn to eat his dick,
Now the morning passed so quickly and it was time for them to meet
It was twenty past eleven when they walked out in the street
Folks all watched on their computers, everybody held their breath
For they knew this meth head stranger was about to meet his death,
There were only twenty feet between them, when they stopped to make their case
The meth head, tattooed stranger yelled to buy his coins today
Crypto Ted just shook his head, when a bullet fairly ripped
And the stranger’s aim was deadly, with a shotgun in his grip,
It was over in a moment and the crowd all gathered ’round
Before them lay the body of the trader, head exploded on the ground
Oh, he might have went on livin’ but he made one fatal slip
When he went to meet the meth head who had sworn to eat his dick
Police sirens came a blarin’, and the stranger fled the scene
He ducked into the sewers, his skin was covered gunky green
No townsfolk ever saw him, not once since that fine day
But tales were told of the meth head stranger, who escaped and got away
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