On May 9th, Philadelphia politician, Frank Bjørnsen (age 45), was enjoying his usual morning jog alongside the Schuylkill River. Eating right and staying in shape are important to mental health, he said, especially in a time when sanity is in such short supply amongst lawmakers. Newly elected to his post after winning a slim victory over Mike Hawk, Bjørnsen hopes to be something different from his predecessors. Whereas past officeholders have made empty promises and sold out the American public as liberals, he plans to do so, as a conservative.
“I can’t really believe it myself, but I guess things got so bad under the Dems that the city was finally ready for a change,” Bjørnsen said, when asked about his unexpected victory. “Or it might have been that one line that Mike said during his campaign about the blacks. You know what I mean—that one about the hot sauce and chicken.” He chuckled, shaking his head.
Upon reaching Boathouse Row, Bjørnsen stopped the interview. The cries of a child could be heard coming from the Schuylkill. Wasting no time, the policymaker sprang into action, sprinting for the riverbank like a well-oiled machine.
“I mean, we don’t like to talk about it much,” Bjørnsen explained in the aftermath. “But us politicians—we have this sort of sixth-sense. Some people may see a drowning child and rush to save them because it’s the right thing to do. People like me, we don’t have that thought. All we see is a good photo-op to better manipulate the emotions and gullibility of our voter base. After saving the boy, I felt nothing,” He said, gazing calmly into the camera. “Nothing, but I think that’s why I was able to save him.”
When Bjørnsen had hit the water, a miracle occurred. He took one step, and then another. Three more steps, and the Republican lawmaker was walking across the surface towards the drowning boy. Reaching down, Bjørnsen was able to jerk the child out of the water and drag him to land like a ragdoll, all while beaming for the camera. FNA News was able to catch the entire feat on tape.
“I pray to baby Jesus every night,” Bjørnsen said one week later, looking contemplative in his desk chair. “I mean, publicly, at least. Christianity is what will get me the most votes—according to my focus groups.” He paused. “But, I never thought that anything could actually come from just going through the motions. As a practicing Luciferian, I thought I had been eternally forsaken by God in my lust for power, wealth, and immortality at the expense of others.” He shook his head. “I don’t know how this could have happened.”
Seeking to get to the bottom of the Philadelphia miracle, FNA News brought in paid political commentators with biased opinions on the matter, and not much else. According to political analyst Tom Gubmint, the fact that Bjørnsen chose to walk across the water, rather than swim, signaled that the man had a deep-seated fear of rivers. Legal analyst, Jaina Kilalorcs, interpreted the smile on Frank Bjørnsen’s face as a racist dog whistle, given the whiteness of his teeth—a clear rallying cry to bigots across the land. Lastly, analyst analyst Hale Zamrak echoed the opinions of his fellow analysts, while arguing that Bjørnsen likely could not swim—an embarrassing revelation for any politician.
