Sprint and T-Mobile have reached a merger deal to become one of the largest telecommunications corporations in the United States.
The two corporations have argued for years that merging was the only way to compete with fellow monsters: Verizon and AT&T.
“These two corporations are simply too efficient at fucking over their customers. We simply can’t compete unless we monopolize a larger portion of the market,” said a spokesman for T-Mobile. When asked whether they thought the FCC would authorize the merger the spokesman responded, “of course, we currently have a Republican administration.”
Representatives for Verizon and AT&T had a different take on the merger. “This is the corrupt and monopolistic strategy that we’ve unfortunately come to expect in this business,” commented Tomas Parley, Chairman of Public Affairs at Verizon. “Sprint and T-Mobile want to force unfair prices on their customers by having a larger share of the market.”
When asked whether he thought that Verizon would have trouble competing with this new mega-corporation, Parley responded, “of course not, we’ll simply have to merge with AT&T or this new corporation next year,” adding “if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em!”
