Washington (THE PLEBIAN): According to sources inside the White House, President Trump has spent the entirety of this past week trying to figure out who the writer of an anonymous Op-Ed in the New York Times was. “He tried asking everyone politely if they were the writer,” said one aide to the Plebian. “When that didn’t work he went straight to mystical crap. He brought in a voodoo priest to try to find the culprit. It’s turning into a literal witch hunt.” The entire staff is scared and frustrated according to aides but none more so then Mike Pence who objects to the rise of paganism in the White House.
Reportedly, one of Trump’s favorite methods is asking a Magic 8-ball toy. The President has been going down the staff list asking if each individual person is the traitorous writer. Chief of Staff John Kelly was so worried about what would happen if the ball gave a yes for an innocent cabinet member that he tampered with the toy. “I made it so that the 8-ball only says ‘no’ or ‘ask again later.’ Who knows what would have happened if it a yes came up.” Fortunately the president hasn’t caught on to the replacement and has assumed one of the ‘ask again laters’ is the culprit. Oblivious to the change the President asked John Kelly, “How long do I have to wait if it says ask again later?” Mr. Kelly responded, “I would imagine it’s several hours sir.”
