A Pincushion, an Orange Peel, and a Dictator Walk into a Hotel Room…
According to the New York Post, former NBA star Dennis Rodman will be in Singapore during President Trump’s summit with the North Korean Supreme Leader, Kim Jong Un. Now, is this a mere coincidence? Could it be the wheel of fate turning away at full speed? Will Rodman once again be reunited with his unlikely fascist friend? Perhaps. But, I sincerely hope not. Could anybody have guessed that this is the reality that we would find ourselves living through in 2018? Donald Trump, Dennis Rodman, and Kim Jong Un at the roundtable discussing weapons of mass destruction capable of annihilating millions of lives in the blink of an eye? It sounds like something out of a poorly written television script. One that ends with things going terribly, terribly wrong. Remember this interview?
JOHN DICKERSON: “They talk about the presidency and who has the finger on the button. The United States has not used nuclear weapons since 1945. When should it?”
TRUMP: “Well, it is an absolute last stance. And, you know, I use the word unpredictable. You want to be unpredictable. And somebody recently said — I made a great business deal. And the person on the other side was interviewed by a newspaper. And how did Trump do this? And they said, he`s so unpredictable. And I didn`t know if he meant it positively or negative. It turned out he meant it positively.”
Perhaps, instead of fighting it, we should simply embrace the madness. After all, what we are about to witness may be the biggest moment in human history, overshadowing even the 1969 moon landing and the heroic 2011 sacrifice of Macho Man Randy Savage. If Trump and Rodman can seduce Kim Jong Un and convince him to give up his nuclear arsenal, then perhaps anything is possible. Anything. Maybe they will kiss and profess their forbidden love for each other on live international television. Or, perhaps, it will end with Trump calling in an “unpredictable” nuclear strike on Pyongyang and flattening the entire Korean Peninsula. This seems to be about as likely as the other scenario, but at this point, who can really say? Trump is a man that laughs in the face of the expected.
Now, unlike the American mainstream media’s obsessive coverage of Washington, we know very little about what goes on inside of the North Korean capital from their press. Therefore, it is hard to say what the Supreme Leader will be thinking upon entering into this meeting with our President. However, there are some things that we know for certain about the legendary figure that is Kim Jong Un. For example, here are some Supreme Leader facts:
- Fact: Kim Jong-un claims to have climbed the country’s highest 9,022 foot mountain peak, Mount Paektu, with hundreds of fighter pilots and party officials flying around him. Upon reaching the top, he said, “Climbing Mount Paektu provides precious mental pabulum more powerful than any kind of nuclear weapon.” Clearly, this is not a man to be trifled with. Pabulum.
- Fact: According to syllabi taught in North Korean elementary schools, Kim Jong-un started driving at the age of three and is a skilled composer and musician.
- Fact: According to the book “Kim Jong-un’s Revolutionary Activities,” the Supreme Leader boat raced the chief executive of a foreign yacht company and won at just nine years old.
- Fact: Kim Jong Un can control the weather with his emotions. Also time itself, which he stole back from Japan somehow.
- Fact: His father, Kim Jong-Il was born atop a sacred mountain. The sheer impact of his divine birth saw a new star explode into existence and caused the winter season to instantly turn into spring, melting the snow away. He also invented hamburgers.
- Fact: Kim Jong Un is 6’8”. Those are two separate measurements.
With such an impressive resume behind him, it might be prudent for President Trump to tread carefully around the North Korean Supreme Leader. One wrong move, and he may find himself smited into a pile of ashes by a divine lightning bolt conjured from Kim’s fury. Even if Dennis Rodman came to Trump’s aid, he would likely find himself helplessly immobilized by Kim after he freezes both space and time. Indeed, Kim Jong Un has supernatural abilities fit for a Marvel superhero, and it is only by his divine grace that he has spared America from terror, carnage and destruction. What will happen when his penchant for mercy runs dry?
Such are the stakes of this meeting in Singapore. Will it lead to world peace? What about a new era? A new war? Can Trump make a deal to end all deals? Can he best the Supreme Leader in hand to hand combat? Only time will tell. However, in the advent of an impending nuclear holocaust, I would like to thank you, the reader, for using time from the final week of your life to browse the Plebian. People can waste their time in all sorts of ways, but we appreciate you wasting it with us. Such is your god-given right in this crumbling democracy of ours. Until next time (maybe)!
